Abuelito gets the call up and the Moreno Equation

Jaime Moreno has been called up for more Bolivian National Team duty. As much as I have complained about him in the last month, I am going to miss him. Last week he really showed us that he can trade in that wheelchair for a cane and go to work. It seems as though the first call up for the friendly with Ireland is what got him going so maybe this will further increase his brilliance. I have come up with a formula for Moreno's level of play in relation to international appearances in this campaign. Enjoy the mathematical display.

A= Jaime "Abuelito" Moreno - Default Value of 10 (the highest value a player being input into the Moreno Equation can achieve)
n= Number of international appearances - Each appearance value of 1 (friendlies 0.5)
x= Level of play

A * n = x

Previous to Ireland Friendly 10 * 0 = 0

That is a bit harsh, let's add another variable, penalty kicks. p= Penalty kicks

New Moreno equation (A * n )+ p= x

(10 * 0) + 3 = 3

That's about right. Now let's apply the equation to Jaime after the friendly in the LA Galaxy and RBNY games.

(10 * 1 ) + 3 = 13

Considering what we have learned thus far we can now project how Jaime's call up for the Copa America will affect his MLS performance. We can guarantee at least 3 games in group play and let's say, worst case scenario, he only plays in 2.

(10 * 3) + 3 = 33

Best case scenario, Bolivia wins it all and Moreno plays in all the games.

(10 * 7) + 3 = 73

I haven't exactly decided what the level of play scale is, but if a 13 gets him playing like he did against RBNY, 33 or 73 would blow our minds. Vamos Bolivia!

Match 2.9 The Result: DCU v Red Bull New York 6-10-07 or the Atlantic Cup Leg 1

DCU 4 RBNY 2

My MFLS sacrifices have paid off (let it be known that I got rid of JP Angel and acquired Ben Olsen last Wednesday) and the soccer gods have answered my prayers. The previously impotent DC United offense made the New York defense conceive their babies today, which by my count makes Ben Olsen the proud father of triplets. Congratulations!!! My concerns about the strength of the New York defense were unfounded (must just be Chicago's low sperm count). DC United came out in form, playing strong on the wings and taking the danger out of the RBNY attack.

The most notable statistic of the game is that every one of the four goals were double assisted. That's teamwork. That's an organized attack. Except for the after goal breakdowns the defense looked strong even after losing Boswell to the double yellow. We beat the best team in the MLS and we made it look easy.

Facts and Reality for Match 2.9

1. Count em' up! That's 1, 2, 3 points
2. It wasn't necessarily stupid mistakes that gave up the goals, it was more the after goal mental lapses. Who can blame the entire team from going into paralysis after Ben Olsen scores a freaking hat trick?!
3. Luci got his much needed goal and looked dangerous on several occasions, beware future opponents.
4. Erpen did not score from distance, but he definitely played a major role in keeping JP Angel in check.

Dear Facu,

Great job out there today. Keep at it and the 30 yard bomb will come. You are still our favorite.

Love,

The Edgell Supporters

P.S. MLSnet credits you with a double/second assist or whatever you call that statistic. Way to go!

The Un-supported List, Part 1

As the designated "angry" supporter I have been asked to compile a list of our most disliked players. The more teams that United plays the more players will inevitably be added to the list but for now, here are the ol' faithfuls and a few reasons why.
Disclaimer: At this point, how good of a player you are matters far less than anything else (unless you score on us, at which point you're, assumed to be good, and almost gauranteed a spot).

MLS:
Hercules Gomez- its hard to really know why you wish harm to someone when you get nauseous at the mention of his name

Landon Donovan- he's a nerd. i hear the nerd alert siren everytime i see him and his perfectly tucked in shirt. he could learn a thing or two from ben olsen on how to talk to other players too...not best to point your finger in someones face.

Taylor "Twinkie" Twellman- nicknamed Twinkie, by an occasional Edgell Supporter, in honor of his yellow cleats. his celebration after every single goal is really what has sealed it for me.

Pablo Mastroeni- he erks us. and again, he plays for the crapids.

DISHONARBLE MENTION:
Thierry Henry -ew

Clint Dempsey- don't try to be a rapper! who do you think you are, shaq?

And just for good measure I'll add our least favorite, by far, of the commentators - Max Bretos. his partner is nearly mute, so he talks like a fool and looks it too when he thinks he's not on camera. thank heavens for sunday games on telefutura.

This list is not nearly what it should be...who are we missing?

Match 2.9 The Setup: DCU v Red Bull New York 6-10-07 or the Atlantic Cup Leg 1

I'm having difficulty forming my thoughts on the match this week. I really, really, really, really want to win. I feel a little sick inside though. JP Angel will punish us for our fondness of letting the ball bounce around in the box. Something else that keeps nagging at me is their defense. I believe they were two starters down against Chicago two weeks ago and still kept a clean sheet. Maybe Chicago can't finish, but maybe the Red Bull's defense was a brick wall. Probably a combination of both but still, that is worrisome. We don't need any help not scoring goals.

We can control the pace of the game and we can play decent defense minus our giveaways. The one thing we have not shown we are able to do is score. We will have to score this weekend in order to win because I am almost positive (94.5%) New York will. They like to score and they do it a lot (tied with KC for most goals in the MLS at 19). I think most of us fans, including me, have been so worried about the defensive depth and mistakes that we have overlooked our inability to score. We are allowed to score more than 2 goals in a game, I promise we are allowed to do that.

As a fan of the MLS I'm happy that this rivalry will be renewed, as a DC United fan I am worried that we will stop owning RBNY. Come on you black and red!

Hopes and Dreams for Match 2.9

1. The full three points.
2. We give a goal away because RBNY earns it, not because we give something stupid away.
3. Luci gets his groove back.
4. Erpen scores from distance.

Why do I have to be so loyal? (MFLS Update Week 9)

My only experience in fantasy sports is with the NCAA Basketball Tournament, if that even counts as fantasy sports. I usually compete quite well for last place in the bracket pools because I always pick my favorite teams to win. I can't pick a team that I don't like or pick against a team I do like. This is one of the many reasons I don't gamble. It is so important to me that all faith be placed in the team I want to win. I don't want to show the sports gods that I am not fully committed to supporting my team. The happy ending to this story is that after years of picking the University of Florida they pull off two championships in a row and I destroy everyone in my brackets.


The MFLS is my first actual experience with fantasy sports. At first I tried to pick good players, paid attention every week and put forth my best effort to win our division (BobbyBoswell.com, I hope Bobby doesn't mind). But after 3 weeks I was down at least 75 points and second from the bottom of the table. Then I tried to get the latest, hottest players. I hit rock bottom when I bought JP Angel and I actually earned a bunch of points. I felt sinful and dirty inside. Something had to change.

This week I decided to only have players on my team that I like. That excludes all NE Revolution players and most of the other really good players in the league. At least now I can accumulate good karma and maybe the gods will look favorably upon me and my team. It is the least I can do to help DC United win, especially this week as we face the evil Red Bulls from New Jersey. Go Scorpions!

Soccer Saturday

Quite the busy soccer day yesterday.

11:30 AM - U14 PWSI Tidal Wave vs Fauquier County (Faquier County)

PWSI 6 Fauquier 0

We've got sunburns to prove we were there.

After chalking up 3 goals and an assist in the first half El Goleador rests in the shade.

1:45 PM - U18 PWSI Green Balls vs BRYC Good Team (Woodbridge)

BRYC 10 PWSI 2

We missed the first half but a sometimes Edgell Supporter associate is reported to have assisted on one of the two goals scored by PWSI. I also believe that the BRYC team was only playing with 7 players in order to make the game "competitive."

3:30 PM - Colorado Rapids vs TFC (MLS TV)

Colorado 1 TFC 2

Anytime the Rapids lose it is a good day. Unfortunately one of our least favorite MLSers (full list to come), Hercules Gomez, still scored.

5:30 PM - Brazil vs England (DVR fast forwarded)

Brazil 1 England 1

Eh.

7:00 PM - West Virginia Chaos vs NOVA FC Royals (Robinson Field GMU)

WV Chaos 0 NOVA Royals 2

First off, thanks to Quarter Volley for making us aware of the games. We meant to get to the Freedom vs Majestics game at 5:00 but couch delivery delays prevented us from doing so. Does anybody know who won?

The Royals controlled the pace throughout the first half and went up 1-nil. Then they came out flat in the second half which led to several Chaos attempts on goal but nothing the Royals couldn't handle. After several substitutions were made the Royals got their second wind and were able to seal the deal with a second goal.

The game was exciting and eventful. After suffering a hard tackle in the first half a Chaos player left the field at half on a stretcher in an ambulance.

We hope he is ok and thank him for the excitement. There was also quite a bit of scrappy and physical play which is the way I like my soccer. We quite enjoyed ourselves and we will probably go again. Maybe by then we can settle on our favorite players and refer to them by their appropriate names, not just nicknames and numbers (way to go #15 Leroy Chimbonda, #9 Bambi on Ice 2, and #18!).

I'm not sure what we were expecting but the level of play impressed us and the fans amused us. Quote of the event from what I would describe as the most vocal Majestics/Royals supporter in attendance:

In some sort of UK accent (I'm terrible at discerning between the accents) and I assume commenting on the Washington Freedom's keeper ,"Did anyone do a set test on that girl? Their keeper looked like Lurch from the Adam's Family."

Set test- (noun) a test performed to determine the gender of an individual by checking for male genitalia (at least that is what I gathered from context clues).

I almost forgot that we (when I say we I mean Dirty) finally got something that was thrown/kicked into the stands. Although it may have belonged to another spectator we (again it had nothing to do with me, it was Dirty) wrestled it away from them. We (and I do mean we, as much as I scream and wave my arms) never get that stuff at the United games. We like you Royals.

10:30 PM - DCU vs LAG (FSC)

DCU 0 LAG 0

See here for full review.

Match 2.8 The Result: DCU v LAG 6-2-07

DCU 0 LAG 0

Two teams looking for a draw found one. Both teams seemed content to go through the motions and earn a point. We had some rough spots in the first few minutes of play, luckily LA could not capitalize on our breakdowns. D at DCenters described it best:

"Also fortunate for DC was the fact that Nate Jaqua couldn't finish a croissant if you took two bites out of it for him, or United would have been down 2-nil early."

As the Edgell Supporters sat in the Lorton headquarters watching the game we made several observations. First, as good as Namoff is on the right side of the field he is equally terrible on the left. Thankfully we dropped Gros back and sent Namoff to where he belongs. Second, Fred is always there. He is picking up balls when others are losing them, he is getting open to be an outlet and he is always hustling for the loose ball. And lastly, we want Erpen to be our Valentine.

I am disappointed that we could not finish off a team that started hurt and slowly died throughout the game. We could have easily dismantled them with constant pressure but all we could muster was 10-15 minutes of good form in the second half. Hopefully we were just looking past LA to next week and forgot to prepare for this game because we will need the two weeks of preparation against RBNY.

Facts and Reality for Match 2.8

1. We got the clean sheet. I think we should thank Nate Jaqua for that more than anyone, but at least it proves it can be done.

2. I am not sure you can say that we did anything to the Galaxy. We kind of left each other alone.

3. Moreno is amazing on the ball. His touch is always right and he finds open spaces. Can we find him some fitness?

4. Facundo had a header that went towards the goal, the Galaxy's goal not ours.

Match 2.8 The Setup: DCU v Los Galacticos Angelinos 6-2-07

This is a blue collar week for DC United. We are not the best team in the East, we are no longer in danger of being the worst. This is when the long hard grind of the season begins. It is time for us to get to work. This week we face a Galaxy team that has played the fewest games in the league so I don't think we know exactly who they are yet. Based on what I have seen, I don't think they know who they are yet either. It is almost as if they are waiting for the arrival of Beckham before they define themselves.

It appears as though we might be without our usual starting defensive midfielder Brian Carroll (the same source also counts at least 8 players out for the Galaxy).

Hopes and Dreams for Match 2.8

1. A clean sheet. It is time for our defense to shut down an opposing offense. Come on ya back line!
2. We exact revenge on los galacticos for the way they treated us last year.
3. Moreno's playing time is reduced. Hey, everybody is talking about it now.
4. Erpen scores from distance.

Jaime Moreno spotted in section 210

Contrary to what is being reported in most other places, Jaime Moreno was at the game yesterday. Apparently he told a lot of people that he got called up to play with the Bolivian National Team. He very well may have been called up but he definitely didn't go. As you can see from this picture (taken by the edgell supporters' photographer, also known as wifey), Abuelito Moreno was in section 210 at RFK yesterday. You can tell it is him because of the jersey and the gray hair. Remember, you read it here first.

Oh and one more thing, I believe Bobby Convey accompanied Moreno to the game. You would think these guys would keep a lower profile but they seem to always wear their jerseys in public. Weird.

Match 2.7 The Result: DCU v Dynamo Houston 5-26-07

United 2 Dynamo 1

Another win, the unbeaten streak is extended to four. The bad things about actually going to the game are that a) I can't see which player is doing what (mostly because I need to get new glasses) and b) I get so busy hating the refs for no real reason that all objectivity is lost. On to the one sided review. Gomito is back. He controlled the middle of the pitch and our wing play bought him more space to work with. His set piece goal in the fourth minute was important for his confidence and his assist to Benny sealed the Gomez revival. Houston looked unorganized and frustrated evidenced by their bad passes and molestation of our strikers. Ching could not hit a quality header to save his life. Houston played their usual game and controlled most of the second half. Perkins' PK denial was almost as amazing as his goal post kicking celebration. DeRo was frustrated most of the game (I think he was carded for dissent perhaps it was for whining) and only scored because Fred and Gros jumped past him in some sort of synchronized gymnastic display. All in all not a bad performance by United, now if we can just string together two good halves in one game.

Facts and Reality for Match 2.7:
1. The passion was definitely there in the first half. You would think after leading by the most dangerous spread in soccer (2-0) they would step up the pressure in the second half but we almost let Houston back into the game.
2. Benny got a goal and guess what... IT WAS IN THE RUN OF PLAY!!! AMAZING!
3. My voice was damaged by the celebration of the first goal but it was destroyed by booing for the no call on Kpene in the box.
4. Erpen did not get a goal but he did get a bicycle which almost cost us a penalty. Way to go Facundo. He actually had a very good match and cleared the ball very well. I love you Facundo.

Pictures from the match still to come including a Moreno spotting.

Explanation of the Edgell Numbering Scheme and piracy isn't all fun and adventure

Q: Why do The Edgell Supporters use such an oddly fantastic match numbering system? (Pheidippides, Greece)

A: Dear Feety Peedies, thanks for your interest and loyal readership. The Edgell Supporters number the matches based on our MLS DC United experience. This is our second season of support so all the matches for this season will be prefaced with a 2, next season with a 3, and so on until the end of time. The second number is not nearly as exciting as it is merely the sequential order of regular season MLS matches. Again, thanks for the question and please encourage your other friends to criticize and comment as they please.

Due to a recent shortage of rocket sauce within the DC United realm we have done a little research as to what might be causing the problem. Luckily one of our dear friends is already on the case and has issued the following public service announcement.

Match 2.7 The Setup: DCU v Dynamo Houston 5-26-07 or The Clash of the Teams That Played in CONCACAF and Could Not Get Their Act Together

I am by no means a euro soccer snob, in fact I follow the MLS much closer than I follow any other league but the MLS names need some work. In my effort to change some of the names you will see that the Houston Dynamo is listed as Dynamo Houston in the title above. All I want are some small simple changes like SC's instead of FC's and some city names before the mascots or whatever you call them. Red Bull New York sounds much better than New York Red Bulls (that is if it were possible for their name to sound "good"). Anyway, back to the matter at hand the clash of CONCACAF qualifiers... the two best teams in the MLS last season. On to the preview:

Dwayne De Rosario got a haircut. I was never a big fan of the braids. He kind of looked like Alicia Keys with a beard.

In other DeRo news, I have him on my MFLS team and all he does is give me negative points. (editor's note: the author has since transferred DeRo for Onstad) Having watched several Houston games, including the game last Saturday against the Revolution, I have come to the conclusion that they are DC United without the PKs and set piece goals. They usually control the game and have a few good chances, but they can't put anything in the net. Much like United they give up goals in the run of play and just can't get dangerous enough to get any points. Let's hope that they continue with this trend on Saturday. United is looking to continue their 3 game unbeaten streak but this time without MLS record tier Jaime Moreno. I would classify myself as a Moreno naysayer but I think we will miss him more than I want us to this week. The only lineup change I see is Kpene or Addlery starting for Moreno both of which can bring the rocket sauce to a struggling Houston team.

Hopes and Dreams for Match 2.7:

1. Soehn sufficiently scared the starters a few weeks ago so they will still play with passion (Brian Carroll that means you, Moreno is off the hook this week).

2. We learn how to score in the run of play and subsequently apply said learning on the pitch this Saturday.

3. I don't lose my voice from yelling at the refs but from celebrating our multiple goals.

4. Erpen scores from distance.

Match 2.6 The Result: DCU v TFC 5-19-07

A win is a win. The first half was usual 2007 United play, we control the ball, never look dangerous, and we give up a goal because we don't clear the ball. Namoff as usual was great on defense and creative on offense. The second half was a bit of a different story. We started to look dangerous and take control of the game. Kpene is dangerous, every time he touches the ball it looks as though he might score or create for someone else to score. Moreno has shown that he should come into the game after the 60th because that is when he likes to actually start playing. He even played impressive defense late in the game and made an effort at 50/50 balls. This game still left me wondering if we will ever learn how to score in the run of play.

Facts and Reality for Match 2.6

1. Erpen almost got himself double-yellowed out of the game while still managing to get a bicycle kick in.

2. Gomez had a genuine smile on his face at one point during the game. The assumption is that his lover at least texted him some time during the last two weeks.

3. Emilio gets more phantom fouls called against him than any other player I have seen. Maybe the refs just don't like his taste in music.

4. Abuelito Moreno started playing at about the 60th which I guess is about the same as coming in the game at that time. Congratulations on the goal and tying the record. Now you should do the right thing and tell Soehn to start Kpene over you.

Wax On, Namoff

DCenters recognized the omission of Bryan Namoff's name from the all-star ballot and subsequently called for an arts and crafts campaign to add his name. Soccer Insider notified the authorities and got Bryan's name on the all-star ballot. I am disappointed that I did not get to exercise my artistic abilities on Bryan's behalf but I would still like to honor him today.

This is the second season that I have been a DC United fan and it also marks the second season that I have been worried about DC United's wing play (until very recently with Fred on the outside). The only bright spot that I have seen in the last two seasons on the wing has come from the back when Bryan Namoff ventures across midfield. He is fast out on the flank and I dare say even creative. Maybe creative is going a bit far but his play is definitely unexpected, which for the time being passes as creative for DC United. One of my chief complaints with the MLS since I started watching last year is the lack of quality crosses. The complaining turns into frustration when it comes to DC United. On a team that can rarely put a good ball across the box Namoff has definitely been a ray of hope. Since Soehn made the decision to go to a four man back I have been excited to see what new freedom this will give Namoff to push up and show us what he's got. Bryan, show us how creative you can be and punish those Canadian upstarts tomorrow.

Match 2.6 The Setup: DCU v TFC 5-19-07 or Fried Chicken Battle Royale

VS.

I am trying to get past the fact that every time I hear or see "TFC" I think of KFC which makes me think of a friend of mine that loves fried chicken although he prefers Popeye's. With the whole fried chicken relationship skewing my view of the team from our friendly neighbor to the north, I had a hard time taking them seriously. In my head 11 Colonel Sanders in the TFC kit looked pretty ridiculous. Last weekend my ridicule turned to jealousy as I saw the Frisbee/seat cushions litter the stadium. It was like a real soccer atmosphere in a real soccer stadium. Then TFC picked up their second win beating Houston last night leaving the Black and Red alone in the Eastern Conference basement. The ridicule and jealousy has now turned into a slight irritation.

I am pulling for Toronto this season but obviously not this week. My Popeye's loving friend is a DCU supporter so this week it will be Popeye's United v Toronto Fried Chicken.

Hopes and Dreams for Match 2.6
1. Erpen scores from distance
2. Gomito's lover comes back to him and cures what ever is ailing him
3. Emilio gets back on his scoring track
4. Abuelito Moreno does not come in until the 60th

In an effort to increase love in the universe here is what I like about TFC:

Danny "Mike Tyson" Dichio just looks like a bad mother and from what I have seen he plays like one too. I love hustlers.

Esky we hardly knew ye and thus far we still love you. I want to see you score and score a lot, just not this week, ok?

Guilty Pleasures 2.1 or my ESPN does not work, give me a break!

when i have extra time in the morning my wife and i usually watch sportscenter on ESPN. we like to catch scott van pelt dropping tenacious d references or the dry wit of neil everett (these two are by far our favorite anchor team). on this particular morning i had about 20 minutes before i had to get ready for work. i turned on the tv and dialed up ESPN to watch sportscenter. it turns out that COX, our ever-reliable cable provider, would not grace us with ESPN this morning. it was not simply a blank screen but it gave us the "you have not bought this channel, call us at 1-800-COX to order ESPN" message. on a separate note, COX has been turning off our cable box at random times to keep things exciting. this is a special service you can get FOR FREE, but only from COX. it gets really fun and crazy when you are trying to watch a DCU v. Chicago Fire game and the cable box goes out right before your team gets scored on. anyway, COX is not a guilty pleasure it is merely guilty.

so ESPN was not working and i needed to watch something for the next 20 minutes. i flipped through the channels and found what i was looking for.

it brought back (full disclosure: i freudian slipped the first time i typed this and wrote 'broke back' instead of 'brought back' by mistake, oops) a lot of good memories. early 90's fashion was so awesome. i think that i will start wearing my suit jacket with the sleeves rolled up. i love suits, but now i can really tailor them to fit my fashion sense.

i sure hope that zack and kelly end up together. in the episode this morning they decided to date other people. what that really meant was that zack was trying to get with the new nurse, but then she tricked him into wanting kelly back. but it was too late, damn that melvin nerdly!

who knew that a true friend would have told AC Slater when he was really not that great on KATY, Bayside High School's radio station, instead of letting him read it in the school paper? i was not able to finish the second episode that came on, but i sure hope that they can save the Max from being turned into a parking lot.

if, and only if, your ESPN is not working check out TBS in the morning.

who is hallam foe?

as i have discussed previously, i am a sucker for coming of age stories. there is a new movie coming out by director david mackenzie called HALLAM FOE. from my limited interaction with a sort of production turned marketing blog and hallam's myspace (which is kind of cool that he has a spot on "the porch" in character) it appears to be a darker coming of age story. i like dark. dark seems real. maybe that's just pessimism, but i tend to learn more from the dark. the best description i have found of what i think the movie will be like is at gapingvoid. hugh at gaping void spent some time living with the director when they were younger. their experience, i believe, directly feeds the movie:

This summer was the first time for both of us being on our own without family or adult supervision, making money and let's say [cough], meeting women. Proper women, not schoolgirls. Up until this time, we'd both had girlfriends and all, but this was when we both started... how do you say... climbing up the sexual learning curve by having experiences with older women. Which, believe me, was a totally different scene from dating the respectable young "gells" from Edinburgh's finest private schools, which had up till then been our only experience with the fairer sex.

And this vibe is what Hallam Foe is about. Forget the plot details, Hallam Foe leaves home and starts having experiencing older women, in the Biblical sense. That's what the movie is really about. Coming-of-Age for boys is a very paradoxical phase of life. We're still kids, and yet, we're not. And for Dave and myself, it was these rather random, strangely existential experiences with older women who ushered us through that phase.

go to gapingvoid to read the rest of this post. it is really quite interesting. i will continue to follow hallam foe's path. i would really like to get to know who he is. at the very least i know he is the kid from billy elliot, so it cannot be all bad.

Real Suck Lake's Jeff Cunningham

as the DC United v. Real Salt Lake game approaches, i thought it appropriate to spotlight one of the bad guys. as if we needed any more fuel, this should add a little more to saturday's fire (no not chicago's fire, let's not speak of them right now).

Dear MLS and American sports fans,

"I have no problems with anything that's been said of me. It's been said all my career. I think people fancy me. They can't figure me out. I'm an attractive guy. I make good money and I score goals. I'm the kind of guy I believe people love. And, at the same time, they can't figure out why they love me so much, so they decide to hate me." (rest of the article, read up Ackerman)

Delusionaly yours,

JC

it is almost as if Jeff thinks there are not enough T.O.s in American futbol. i do not know about you guys but the reason i hate him is because i loved him too much and i could not for the life of me figure out why.

(thanks to kali for bringing this to my attention and i hope you will not be too humiliated by losing to our reserve team on saturday).

Hustle and Putt

I am not a golfer. In the past I have been know to refer to the game of golf as "a rich white man's sport." At my current place of employment, upper management has made a recent habit of putting in the hallways. Last week when the power went out (which it tends to do on a monthly basis) they set up a 25 foot putting competition. I watched as each of my colleagues grossly over or under estimated their putting attempts. One fellow's closest attempt hit a kind lady in the foot about 10 feet behind the putting cup. My associates taunted me and offered me the putter. I politely declined each offer. I do not mind embarrassing myself on the internet, but at work I try to maintain a certain cool composure. All of these men are golf guys. You know the kind, various golf memorabilia on their office walls. You can catch them actually watching the PGA tournaments on their computers at work. These guys dedicate spring/summer/fall weekends to improving their "short game" (whatever that means). I did not have a chance against them. I have not even played miniature golf in over a year. Their incessant badgering and peer pressure finally worked. I stepped on to the "green" (actually a weird like navy blue checked brown carpet, you know, like office carpet always looks).

I decided to get it over with quickly so I teed up and took my first stroke with no practice swing. The ball gently rolled towards the cup and IT WENT IN! Surely this was beginner's luck. BUT NO! I went on to sink 4 out of 5 putts. I was easily the best putter in the building. My associates were amazed and worried about me hustling them in a variety of other activities. Who knew that a simple task such as putting could strike fear into the hearts of men? Men do not like to have an inferior beat them at their own game (see also: Saturday Soccer Matches). I do already have the putting game down, how hard can the rest of it be? I will just practice up on my "short game" and I should be destroying my work mates on the links in no time.

I already have the "white man" part down, perhaps the "rich" part only comes after playing the sport. I am definitely willing to find out.

Gypsy Punk Cabaret

Presenting, Gogol Bordello with front man Eugene Hutz in Start Wearing Purple.

I urge you to see the movie Everything is Illuminated. Mr. Hutz provides us with one of the funniest and most endearing performances of all time. You will not be disappointed. Elijah Woods takes the lead and does pretty well himself. Not only is it funny, but also enlightening and touching. Go rent it! Now!