Friday, November 12, 2004
Thursday, October 21, 2004
"Thanks to TV and for the convenience of TV, you can only be one of two kinds of human beings, either a liberal or a conservative." -Kurt Vonnegut
Humans. Humans. They are out of their minds or maybe completely in their minds. Here's the problem. In our attempt at individuality or standing up for a particular cause we push everyone else away and down. We polarize ourselves. It's like if we are better than everyone else things will be good. But that's not true. Then you make other people want to take you down, and the cycle continues. We need some human stew. You know how they used to talk about the melting pot. Each flavor makes the stew taste better. But not if we have too much of one flavor that drowns out the others. Add some rice and beans and some humans and you have yourself a fine well balanced meal. Man... I am getting hungry thinking of this. Add some carrots and spices and a little bit of meat. Then some nice dessert. I'd like a peanut butter chocolate shake right now... ok that was a little off the topic. Humans love to eat. We should be able to relate to this concept. If our stew combines all the flavors it will taste better. Time for lunch.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
It breaks down the Bush/Kerry presidential race into what I think it is: centralization vs. decentralization. They have two opposing ideologies.
"One is based on a presumption of a world in which individuals and nations should be self-reliant and free to develop their own capacities - forming voluntary associations when they want - without being overly coerced by national or global elites. The other is based on the presumption of a crowded world, which emphasizes that no individual or nation can go off and do as it pleases, but should work instead within governing institutions that establish norms and provide security."
Check it out.
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
Oh yeah. The boy also met a human girl who had a thing for humanoids and they fell in love and had baby robots. The End.
Author's Note: This very well could be an autobiography. COULD BE! I'm not saying it is.
Monday, September 20, 2004
Thursday, September 09, 2004
REMINDER: THIS CONVERSATION WAS CONDUCTED IN ALL SERIOUSNESS. NO GIGGLING, NO SMILING, JUST STRAIGHT WORK TALK.
EIT (engineer in training): Are you the bomb diggity?
Me: Actually, yes, yes I am.
EIT: Cool, I've always heard about the bomb diggity but I've never actually met him... well... see ya.
Monday, September 06, 2004
"Characterized by lightness and insubstantiality; intangible. Of the celestial spheres; heavenly. Not of this world; spiritual."
Floating away from the earth's surface imposes a different set of rules or lack of rules on the floatee. One is no longer bound by society's definition of who one is or one ought to be. There is an overwhelming feeling of weakness, both physically and spiritually (composed of emotional, mental, and spiritual elements i.e. the soul) when confronted with the power of this realm. The difficulty lies in facing the earthly realm in which the physical body still resides while floating in this ethereal existence. The inability to meet the standards of the real world provides an environment of internal warfare. Here I am floating in this beautiful light blue crisp sky with out a care in the world, but the ugly ground keeps reaching up at me, attempting to remove me from the clouds. Unfortunately, because I have given up all defenses and weapons in order to feel the pleasant ethereal euphoria, I cannot keep myself from crashing back down to earth when its forces become too persistent.
Friday, September 03, 2004
"The pathologist hasn't called yet, they sent it into the Armed Forces Pathology Institute for a second opinion."
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
Napoleon Dynamite- A fantasy boy in his fantastic world. The first movie I have ever seen more than once in the theater. I've seen it three times. Maybe I should find it bootlegged. The real reason I keep going back, besides it being the tightest spot between a queer and a cowboy (thanks bobby), is so that I can take more people. There are certain things that should be shared with loved ones, Napoleon is one of them. In today's popular culture we are fond of quoting movies to the delight of our associates. If anything, this movie is quotable. In fact, every single line from this movie is a valid soundbite, it's just that vivid and memorable. It's pretty much the best movie ever made. It's weird, it's creepy, it's clean to an extreme, and it's hilarious. MTV's Kurt Loder called it a "revelation." I call it another installment in movies that succeed because of their skewed, ridiculous view of "cool."
Mount Bensuvius Rating: 7.5 VEI* (Super Colossal approaching Mega Colossal)
The Garden State- Starring Zachary Braff and Natalie Portman. You know the guy from Scrubs? Well this is his baby. He wrote and directed it. It has his humor written all over it. And that is a good thing. It's New Jersey and suburbia. It's everyone you know that never moved out, that never went to college, and still parties with the high school kids. To sum it up, it's about everyone that never moved on. So what if that's me. Maybe that's why I liked it so much. Hilarity only describes half of the movie. The other half is touching (it touched me, and no it wasn't inappropriate touching) and inspirational. Touching because we can all relate to the inability to communicate with other human beings and the difficulty of opening up to said beings. Thankfully self deprecation can be a great communicator.
Mount Bensuvius Rating: 7 VEI* (Super Colossal)
*Volcanic Explosivity Index (Read more here)
Thursday, August 19, 2004
"Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple. "
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
...she was the most beautiful thing that i have ever killed.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
Monday, August 02, 2004
Friday, July 30, 2004
May 11, 1955-July 29, 2000
god rest your soul dad
"in my place, in my place were lines that i couldn't change, and i was lost oh yeah"
"tell me you love me, come back and haunt me"
(thanks be to Coldplay for being the musical sponsor for this day two years running... without music where would we be?)
"so sad... but, one day our kids will have to visit museums to see what a lady looks like, so if you find one, i beg of you hold her tight... yes, spot one good sir, treat her right. Benjamin Andre signing off..."
-Winner of Sexiest Male Vegetarian 2004
the quest for a lady is not a new endeavor. this path has been tread and re-tread throughout the centuries. how do you find one? how do you know if she really is a lady? i guess what the real question is... what is a lady?
Tuesday, July 27, 2004
Wednesday, July 21, 2004
check out what winds of change and boing boing had to say about this.
Tuesday, July 20, 2004
Saturday, July 17, 2004
Friday, July 16, 2004
"Let me say, with the risk of appearing ridiculous, that the true revolutionary is guided by strong feelings of love."
Che Guevara has been an object of my admiration and intrigue ever since I had the opportunity to live in Argentina for two years. Yes I know... "ewwwww he's a bad communist revolutionary," but he is a lot more than that. He is an example of loyalty and commitment. A movie is coming out in September of this year based on his Motorcycle Diaries. These diaries chronicle his travels throughout South America and his conversion to the people... the working poor. In 2006 Benicio Del Toro will play Che in another movie directed by Steven Soderbergh.
14. Has a beard
13. Has RED hair
12. doesn't dress like a real ninja/pirate
13. Is really an ass pirate
10. Likes the new Cure album
9. Didn't come to Florida this year
8. Is obessed with "danger zones"
7. Is a closet redneck
6. But a very intelligent closet redneck
5. Communists suck
4. Has alien children (out of wedlock!!!!)
3. speaks spanglish (japanese is better!)
2. Pitties the fool
1. Did I mention he's a red head??
Contributed by MooFoo
stan: do we not have the packing slip?
militantslave: yeah we just found it
militantslave: crisis averted... because i was "proactive at solving bla bla bla"
stan: I think someone needs to throw themsleves onto their box cutter......
militantslave: luckily i'm ahead of you and bleeding all over the warehouse
stan: Please make sure you are dragging a mop behind you...
militantslave: consider it done
stan: with all that blood someone could slip and fall
militantslave: we wouldn't want that
Thursday, July 15, 2004
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
i am not an elitist. i do not feel superior to those around me. i assume that those around me are of equal or greater intelligence. when i make fun of a subject or a person i expect that those joining me share the same motivation and sense of humor. i assume that they don't really mean to belittle the person or the subject but just to enjoy the humor that life requires. humor to me is being sarcastic and making the most heinous and off the wall comments imaginable. thereby demonstrating that there is no possible way for what i have said to be taken seriously. it hit me today that i am making the wrong assumptions. having seen these other humans in action i know they really are serious about their joking. they are malicious. of course this doesn't make sense to you, we aren't on the same page. we are rarely ever on the same page.
we never have been and we never will be.
Monday, July 12, 2004
Jenkins Lloyed Jones
Friday, July 09, 2004
Kurt Vonnegut, "Cold Turkey", In These Times, May 10, 2004
I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine yesterday. For as long as I have known her she has been a fanatic of the entertainment industry. She is very interested in the last happenings in Hollywood, up to date on the current romances and drama with our beloved celebrities, America's royal family. Yesterday, she just went off on how ridiculous it is that we support these people. She couldn't understand why we pay them millions, even billions of dollars to entertain us. I didn't say so at the time, but in my head I was like "it's about time!" I find the growth of people interesting. As they think more, the more they question their previous obsessions. This isn't neccessarily a rant on entertainment as much as it is an observation of personal growth.
Does anybody watch television anymore? This isn't a rhetorical question... I'm actually asking you... Do you watch television? What do you watch and why?
Thursday, July 08, 2004
If they've ripped off everything else... why not bite a piece out of the freshly baked Google pie. Take a look for yourself and don't miss the above article... it's downright side-splitting.
and The Ugly
Wednesday, July 07, 2004
Thursday, July 01, 2004
1. a teacher that is more concerned with being the "unlikely" professor than his history of western civilization. don't get me wrong, he's cool, he's hip... but if you have to tell me that you voted yourself "most unlikely to be a professor" every five minutes, something is wrong.
2. a girl that thinks because you have a skull and crossbones on your t-shirt (GO PIRATES!) and she has one on her purse she should sit next to you. maybe even date you. or at least invite each other to parties.
3. another student that goes to a four year university that knows everything and then some. oh yeah... she won't be able to make it to the second half of the term because she has a soccer tournament in Europe.
4. the eyebrow pierced girl that says, "i don't have email. well, i might but i don't remember it. i just don't really like it, honestly, to tell the truth, i'm mad at the internet."
5. "how many of you in here are vegetarians?"
wow... boy am i in for a treat. as a side note... never offer information where it's not asked for.
Monday, June 21, 2004
Tuesday, June 15, 2004
The original BelokiWitted. Such pain, such anguish. Notice the similarity to Kobe above.
The message they are trying to convey to the world, "Boom Baca, I got served."
Friday, June 11, 2004
Tuesday, June 08, 2004
by the way: Blogger spell check is TERRIBLE. Their substitute for TRICYCLE (which according to Microsoft Word is spelled correctly) is TRAGICALLY. hmmmm... yeah
Monday, May 24, 2004
Thursday, May 20, 2004
"I cannot sleep I cannot dream" last night?
Saturday, May 15, 2004
Thursday, May 13, 2004
gmail is the new communism.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Friday, April 23, 2004
#1 Seriously. Reply To All. Why?
#2 I can make an ass of myself quite fine without the help from all of you. But thanks for the help anyway.
#3 If you are over 30 please make music void of angst. Thanks
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
do you ever feel like you are constantly waking up into a different life? everything has changed from the day before. each week is marked by those immediate and sudden changes of character that scare you when they manifest themselves. these are not necessarily negative things, in fact quite the opposite. you wake up into a life where you are happy, you understand the people around you, and you grasp those things that seemed impossible last night. the new night brings fear because... what if you wake up in someone else tomorrow?
13 Nov 2003
turn up the sound
its the only thing that interrupts
the silent conductor to my mind
the air is too thick for me to breath
but you have no problem
taking away my last gasp
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Learn more about this guy.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Monday, April 12, 2004
You pose a good question, where is your part in all of this? It is true that you have been chosen to be the mother of my unborn alien child, but I am still the parent nurturing this offspring. I am also the person/demon suffering without a soul. So here's your choice... a sweet little alien baby and a soul-less undead demonic vampire as your partner in raising said child.... OR... no alien baby, a fully functioning human partner with a soul, and the possibility of future HUMAN children? The choice is yours. I'll respect your wishes as the adopted mother of this baby.
Logan the VampireSmith
P.S. Satan doesn't like when people go back on their word. Things could get bad for all of us if we don't give up the alien baby.
Friday, April 09, 2004
The alien baby talked to me today. It said, "You sure are a selfish bastard, just giving me up to Satan." He went on to scold me, "Don't think that I don't have high speed internet in your womb. And by the way, you ARE NOT funny." Ungrateful child. I already want to kill him and he hasn't even made a mess yet. Luckily he never will. Straight to Satan's House with him.
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
2. Upon locating him, hit him up on his cellular telephone. He will ask you the following: "Be ye angels?" Calmly reply "Nay, we are but men."
3. He will then try to eat your soul. Respectfully remind him that you have no soul because you sold it to him. Provide him with the receipt (you did get a receipt, right? if not... forget it)
4. Then you have to schedule an appointment with his secretary, which by the way is Christopher Reeves.
5. The meeting
a. Offer him your firstborn.
b. Agree to listen to him pout about how he has no soul.
c. Then perform three tasks (these vary depending on the soul seeker, I had to dance with a small baboon and perform several other humiliating tasks that I'd rather not discuss)
6. Then you sign an agreement that outlines the terms of soul retrieval. Which says that he will slowly supply you with your soul until the birth of your first child, at which point he will return your soul in its entirety.
That's it. Good luck. Luckily Satan doesn't know that my firstborn is an alien. HAHHAHAHAH! SUCKER!!!! Can't believe he fell for the old "get my soul back for an alien baby" trick.
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Soon I found that while $1 an hour more could buy quite a few JBC's it couldn't buy me my life back. I thought Satan was just joking. Demons and vampires don't REALLY exits... do they? I am here to tell you that YES they do, and YES I was one of them. I wandered from work, to blockbuster, to my apartment in a rhythmic fashion. I lived with three other people at the time and I honestly don't remember speaking one word to them during the few months in which Satan owned my soul. All I really remember is omelets (the closest I could come to the vampiric need for blood), an 18-wheeler idling in my living room, and fearing the sunrise.
Wednesday, March 31, 2004
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Monday, March 08, 2004
Thursday, March 04, 2004
Thursday, February 26, 2004
please note: a later recall may be issued when this process is also deemed unable to compete with new technology
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
1. The Silent Treatment- She completely ignores that I have split the sides of every human within earshot. She goes on with conversation and whatever else she is doing. This EVEN happens when it is just the two of us talking. I will be in the process of making the funniest and most sarcastic comments that even I have ever heard and she just skips right over them. It's as if she has some sort of chip in her mind that allows her to skip over hilarious content.
2. Bewilderment- You're not going to believe this response. She actually has the nerve to ask me if I'm serious. Part of my humor lies in the extreme nature thereof. Completely false and off the wall statement. THAT IS PURE COMIC GENIUS! And my dear sweet mother asks me questions such as, "When did that happen?" or "Is she ok?" or "Why did you hurt that poor girl with an inkpen AGAIN?" She just doesn't get it.
I am funny, I really am.
Thursday, February 19, 2004
I've been drinking a lot of water lately. I'm talking about more than a gallon a day. That's a lot of water, but here's the kicker: I PEE BLING! That's right I'm pissing valuable threads of shiny material. So here's the plan. Continue to drink these absurd amounts of water and as I urninate, I grab these strings of bling (that sounds like a good name for the product, Strings of Bling), somehow make them into a long strand of beauty, and then sell them. Really the only part I haven't worked out yet is how to make them solid. But I imagine turnging a liquid to a solid can't be that difficult. People will totally go for a shiny necklace like these. I can see a lot of people trying to compete with me... but I'll be the O.S.B. Anybody want to preorder?
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Two: Why do people send thankyou emails? I hooked you up. End of story. Don't litter my inbox with false apreciation, or real appreciation for that matter. Tell me thanks when you see me. Never tell me anything at all. When you have something useful to tell me you can attach a thankyou to that.
Tuesday, February 10, 2004
Friday, February 06, 2004
Thursday, January 29, 2004
1. Music- I listened to the New Kids. Yes Moses that is NKOTB to you. I listened to Richard Marxx, Debbie Gibson, and maybe even Tiffany, although i've blocked most of that out. I rocked MC Hammer, Vanilla Ice, and Kriss Kross. I even had tapes of ABC and HI-Five. I think I am coming to these realizations because today I am listening to Iron Maiden. I missed out on rock n' roll while I was pop rocking around.
2. Literature (if you can call it that)- I read almost the entires series of Baby Sitter's Club. I also read the Mormon Girly Novel Series. Titles like Charly and Mandy (maybe).
3. Toys- I played with Barbies. Usually in conjunction with GI Joes or scissors, but i did play with Barbies.
I place the blame upon my older sister mostly. But then... it was ok for her to like all these things. So I must return the blame to myself.
Friday, January 23, 2004
you're following too close behind
why don't you just pass?
and you're falling too close in front
this middle finger still means f**k you
still the finger barely scratches the surface
where those wonderful lies seem real
only because they won't tell how they feel
but i know, oh i do know
deep down inside
they are just like you and i
just wanting and waiting to die
i can't talk enough to answer all their frowning
they wouldn't want to hear that i dream of drowning
drowning while i hold your hand
let's go away again
let's go on that trip in the making
it'll take forever
it's the last chance to calm my shaking
but never be enough to take me far enough away
everything is better under warm covers
so when we go down let's hope that water is warm
please you have to come with me this time
there's plenty of room for two
all my doubts will be complete
and your tears won't matter underneath
just two bright smiles
and more than enough miles
to resolve our worst fears
maybe you don't want to hear i dream of drowning
drowning while i hold your hand
let's go away again
let's go on that trip in the making
it'll take forever
it's the last chance to calm my shaking
but never be enough to take me far enough away
lack of sleep has beat me for the last time
and your hand keeps slipping out of mine
i'll be on my way now
don't come following too close
or falling in front
because this finger still means f**k you
i should've known i was going too far
for anyone to follow
this road is much too long
and colder than i remembered
my violent shaking hands and endless doubts
never went away
nobody will ever hear that i ever dream of drowning
Wednesday, January 21, 2004
"bury his body in the ol' sinkhole, bury his body in the ol' sinkhole." -DBT
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
Friday, January 16, 2004
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
although i knew much more than better
by the time i was done you had already left
and i was alone again with the temporary death
nobody would know it's not a novelty
he's the only one that can stomach my love's poverty
and why can't it keep a roof overhead?
in not so many words my heart is dead
but i didn't do it on purpose
the truth is when i shot, i missed
when the metal was gone
i had to keep swinging
i had to keep filling those buckets you were bringing
because i know you wouldn't hit first
even if worse did come to worst
and that's when it died
because i forgot to let go and i tried
the is one of my circles that i don't want to complete
but the ends always seem to meet
it happened before when i wrote her a letter
and maybe then i didn't know any better
she was gone too
just like you
but i had to finish the race
what if somewhere at the end i did see her face?
i never did and i never will
i will never feel
because i always hit first and start the fight
then it gets dark because you turn off the light
when morning comes and i finally see
you were never there i was just fighting me
that's when i started thinking that it would probably be best
if i laid down to rest
now i know that is the temporary death
we've come to get along quite well
although when it started it was like dreaming in hell
i think those are called nightmares to the masses
to me it's just how the time passes
some up, a lot of down
a few smiles and no tears to drown
don't let them tell you change doesn't happen overnight
because it does and you do and i won't
it does and you do and i can't